i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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