So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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