so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
