I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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