My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
