So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
