Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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