where am i from again
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
