my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize