Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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