Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you mean i was at the winter classic?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
