you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
They have beer where we have blood.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
