I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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