Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
