her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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