I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We are two peas in an std pod
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
