why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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