Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
