he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
