how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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