I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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