She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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