Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
