Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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