So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
