Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
