My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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