You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
