How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
