I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
