Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
