So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How external is "for external use only"?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
