Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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