apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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