Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
