i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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