I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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