Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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