my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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