Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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