I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
