He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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