"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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