Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
