be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize