remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
