I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
