I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
