when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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