How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
two words: eviction party
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
