does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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