o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
