And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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