He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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