If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
