Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
