Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
