You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Who died my cat blue again?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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