My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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