Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
