Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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